August 28th, 2008
by Big Jim
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What's So Funny About The News? |
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By all accounts, Hillary Clinton gave a riveting speech to the the Democratic National Convention Tuesday night, stating unequivocally that, "Barack Obama is my candidate and he must be our president". I wonder why she had her fingers crossed behind her back?- A computer glitch in an FAA system that handles flight plans for the eastern US caused widespread delays around the entire nation Tuesday. Passengers stranded for hours and no way to blame the airlines for it–now that is depressing…
- The National Hurricane Center says tropical storm Gustav, which turned into a hurricane as it struck Haiti and then weakened, may intensify into a hurricane again later by Thursday as it makes its way toward the Gulf Coast. Louisiana has already declared a pre-emptive state of emergency–that’s so FEMA will have plenty of time to stall giving assistance, yet still be right on time…
The federal government is proposing a speed limit for commercial ships along the Atlantic coast to help avoid collisions with the endangered Right Whale–although it reduced this slower speed zone to 20 nautical miles from the original 30 mile limit. While some suggest this is simply a concession to the shipping industry, I’m sure it was due to the much more common Wrong Whale…- The Census Bureau reports that 1 million fewer people lacked health insurance in 2007, the first annual decline since President Bush took office. You mean to say that there are actually average Americans who are better off now–what went wrong?
- A pro-vegan group, the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, claims that their new TV ad suggesting hot dogs cause cancer is just a dramatization of research that links processed meats with increased risk of colon cancer. Considering the outcry from not just nutritionists but cancer organizations as well, I think you could say that the people responsible for this campaign are probably wieners as well…
August 26th, 2008
by Big Jim
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What's So Funny About The News? |
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- Michelle Obama told the Democratic National Convention in Denver Monday night that "I love this country", and that she
and presidential nominee Barack Obama share America’s basic values and beliefs in a dream of a better future. She did not admit, as some wild claims have suggested, that she is the love child of Bill Clinton and Oprah Winfrey…
- What’s left of Tropical Storm Fay continued to rain down from Georgia to Louisiana, which for some is a welcome relief from months of drought conditions, while Florida residents begin to mop up the over 30 inches of rain that fell along the central Atlantic coast. Are we sure NASA hasn’t come up with a giant sponge that could collect it from one place and squeeze it out somewhere else?
- Iraqi prime minister Nouri al-Maliki insisted Monday that all foreign soldiers must leave the country by a specific date in 2011, and that there would be no legal immunity for American troops. After being briefed on the situation, Vice President Cheney was reportedly muttering something about "regime change" and "where’s my rifle?"…
- An Alabama initiative proposal to effectively prohibit gay couples from adopting was cleared by state officials to appear on the state’s November general election ballot. The initiative would require only married couples to adopt, and the state currently prohibits gay couples to wed–it’s that kind of shrewd thinking that has kept values in The Heart Of Dixie just as they have been for years…
A Las Vegas judge has refused to delay the start of the trial of O.J. Simpson and a co-defendant on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping. The Juice actually had nothing to do with the delay request–he’s anxious to get started and really hoping he can drive the same level of insane media interest in whether he could possibly be as stupid as it appears that he is…- An Air Force researcher has found that a series of mishaps involving robotic warplanes are occuring because of operator error, due to the drones being controlled by increasingly inexperienced crews. I understand this problem can be quickly remedied, providing enough PS3 and XBox 360 consoles can be acquired quickly enough…
August 26th, 2008
by Big Jim
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New mom Gwen Stefani (pictured here incredibly any-minute-now pregnant!) has left the hospital with her second child with rocker husband Gavin Rossdale, baby boy Zuma Nesta Rock. It’s good news for that other Gwen–Apple is no longer the world’s stupidest celebrity baby name…- Kid Rock has bucked the current trend of putting his music on iTunes–and the huge success of his hit All Summer Long has forced anyone who wants the song to buy his CD Rock And Roll Jesus at their local music retailer. It’s put the album, released almost a year ago, in the Top 10 and pushed it to double platinum status–not to mention really irritating Steve Jobs…
- Pink is singing one thing and saying another, as she claims her new song So What is not a dig at her estranged husband Carey Hart–despite the song’s video depicting her taking a chainsaw to a tree engraved with the couple’s names on it. Pink claims it’s the musical version of "when a kindergartener goes up and punches a girl he likes and runs away", and insists Hart is "my darling" and "it’s all good"–and maybe explains why they’re estranged…
- Malaysia’s government has apparently done an about-face on their stance opposing Avril Lavigne’s concert there this coming Friday night–officials now say her show in Kuala Lumpur may go on, although the nation’s arts and culture ministry will reportedly monitor the concert to "ensure that the performances do not clash with the Malaysian culture and values". So–how much was the payoff, and which official got it?
Former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Kattan has split with his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, after a virtual Hollywood eternity of wedded bliss–8 whole weeks. What do you figure–he did that Mango bit one time too many?- Ed McMahon has passed on Donald Trump’s offer to buy McMahon’s home, which is in danger of foreclosure, and then lease it back to McMahon and his wife. Ed will instead sell the home to another party, likely deciding he wanted the Donald as a landlord about as much has he would want Jay Leno as a boss…
August 22nd, 2008
by Big Jim
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- A "Who’s Who" of top female singers, including Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Sheryl Crow, Rihanna, Melissa Etheridge and nine others will join to record a single to benefit the Stand Up To Cancer initiative, which will air on ABC, NBC and CBS on September 5. This bunch, including a pair of cancer suvivors in Etheridge and Crow, won’t just stand up to cancer–they’ll obliterate it with the sheer force of their collective wills…
Avril Lavigne is having difficulty performing a concert in Malaysia, where officials say her show would be, "unsuitable to Malaysian culture" and its scheduled date of August 29 is too close to the nation’s independence celebration. Avril needs to follow the lead of Beyonce, who was in a similar situation recently–she made sure her costumes were inoffensive, her songs weren’t controversial, and her multi-zillion dollar husband was standing by just in case to write them a big check…- The Olympics have been good to Michael Phelps, and Michael Phelps has been very good to NBC–its coverage of the summer games grabbed the top 7 spots in TV ratings last week, pulling in an average audience of 28.7 million. Al Roker had better hope Phelps has no major weatherman aspirations…
The people of Milwaukee honored one of their own–on TV at least–when they unveiled a bronze statue of Arthur Fonzerelli, better known as "The Fonz" from 70’s sitcom icon Happy Days. Most of the cast of the show was on hand, except for the guy who played Potsie–he spent the day on the show’s Hollywood set, wondering where everybody else was…- Roger Moore, who played James Bond in 7 films in the 1970’s and 80’s, writes about his experiences in a memoir out November 4 and reveals that many of the stunts left him in less than ideal conditon–including one boat-chase scene that catapulted him into a wall, cracking teeth and twisting his knee. Apparently, the villan for the rest of the movie was the stunt coordinator…
- Bobby Brown is in more legal trouble–only this time it’s from his own attorneys, who say he owes them $90,000 in fees stemming from his divorce from Whitney Houston. At least this time it isn’t any of those drug dealers he stiffed…
The Democratic National Convention kicks off today in Denver, and on center stage of this show of party unity and presidential history will be the wife of America’s first black presidential nominee, Michelle Obama–whose task will be to show America the human side to Barack Obama and that she is up to the challenge of being First Lady. So does that mean she will or she won’t fist-bump Howard Dean?